


Condemned

by TheModernChromatic



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, POV First Person, Private School, Small Towns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-10
Updated: 2014-09-08
Packaged: 2018-01-24 04:44:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1592099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheModernChromatic/pseuds/TheModernChromatic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hide yourself, little sinner. Your love's illegal. If you wanna love, you'll have to run far, far away from here.<br/>~<br/>Eren and Jean maintain their relationship under the thumb of a community heavily against homosexuality. They've only got a few weeks before they graduate and leave, but things can go to shit in shorter time than that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning for some p nasty homophobia, beware guys.

Being alone isn’t the problem. The problem comes in being alone and simultaneously not being alone in the slightest. Every waking hour must be devoted to keeping the mind clear, to keeping it from wandering too far. Alone, it’s not a problem. But everywhere else, it is. Everywhere. Even in thinking there is no one around, and you’re alone, you’re not alone. Make sense? Probably not. I’ll talk in circles all day if you let me. The problem is that I’m not alone, but really, I am. If you ask me, that’s exactly what I’ll say. I’m alone. There’s no one. Little secret between you and me? I’m not. He’s not. We’re not. Get the picture?

But don’t ask us that, because you should already know the answer.

We’re alone.

Together.

I digress. But seriously, don’t ask him. He’s an idiot. He might accidentally tell the truth.

There are a number of reasons as to why neither of us can say anything. There are our friends, who probably wouldn’t have very much to say about it, but for a select few who would probably be harmless anyway. Then, there’s our school and its outright prohibition of...well, this. Of course, there’s our parents, who would more than likely have a lot to say about it, but would settle for a variety of punishments instead. But then, there’s everyone else too, everyone and their outright aversion of it. Nobody around here will even talk about it, we’ll leave it at that.

Sometimes I feel like it should hurt, but it doesn’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve got tough skin and three older brothers to boot, but it doesn’t hurt me. He won’t tell me if it hurts him, and yes, I’ve asked. I think he thinks I’d hate to see him in pain. I would, but I’d at least want to know about it. It’s his damned fault, really. I probably would’ve just kept it hidden for the rest of my life and ran off with his sister if it weren’t for him. And maybe, if he were more like me (though that’s a scary thought, because we’re alike enough already), he would’ve simply kept it hidden too. Annie likes him well enough--I think. Annie doesn’t really like anyone but she dislikes him less than most people, it seems. Maybe she could’ve been his key to seeming normal around here. He had a chance at that. Nobody calls me normal, but at least I could’ve kept denying it to myself.

Instead, as fucking stupid as this sounds, we fell in love. Cue cheesy music and cheap Valentines’ decorations, I know. But I tried not to, trust me.

I hated him from the moment I first saw him. I had my reasons for it; I was pissed the hell off to start with since I didn’t want to be at this school in the first place, but it’s also really hard not to hate someone who makes you feel things you know you’re not supposed to feel. It was so easy to make him angry then--it still is, but it was easier then. So I hated him for as long as I could and it worked for awhile, but it died down gradually. That’s Marco’s fault. He’s a different story, and I could never hate him for it, but it doesn’t matter anymore. Eren was instantaneous where Marco was gradual. For Eren’s fiery temper, there was Marco’s calmness. Eren was aloof and standoffish, entirely too haughty, and Marco was social, amiable and so humble I wanted to hate him even when I couldn’t. For awhile, I had both while I had neither. They’re vastly different, and maybe this story would be about Marco if but for the biggest difference. Eren’s still alive.

It was years ago, but like I said, it’s a different story. Different. I don’t mean that like Eren was my second choice or something and I made the move after Marco died, because that’s levels upon levels of fucked up. Eren wasn’t even a choice. He just happened to me, like waking up and suddenly realizing all of the things you know that you didn’t know a year ago, or suddenly realizing that you no longer have any baby teeth. He just...happened.

“Hey, asshole.”

I didn’t even realize I’d been spacing out. I think I was trying to study or something--why else would I go to the library?--but my efforts went wasted. I don’t even have to look up from the textbook I’m definitely not reading to know who it is. He might as well have called me sweetheart.

“Sup, bitch?”

I might as well have called him babe.

To us, at least. To anyone else, we just look like roommates are who kinda friends? Maybe? Nobody can really tell because we’re dicks to each other, in and out of public. We’ve at least got that going for each other, and it’s usually not difficult to maintain, but sometimes a guy’s just gotta grab his dude by the shirt and kiss him in his stupid face because, _damn_ \--and that’s just not acceptable.

When he sets his stuff down and sits across from me, it surprises me. We never sit together, not at lunch, and not of our own free will. I try to silence the alarms in my head.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

It sounds like I’m annoyed, that Eren should just buzz off because _dude you don’t know me like that_ , or some shit, but Eren will at least get that it’s a warning.

“Sitting. It’s a free fucking country.”

“Not at this school it’s not.”

It’s a running joke among the students that the rest of the country might be free, but in St. Maria, you’re about as free as a federal prisoner. Maybe less. But to Eren and I, it means a lot more. We have our own rules, some we’ve talked about, and some unspoken. This is one of the unspoken ones. People think we hate each other. That’s safe. This isn’t.

His leg brushes mine rather deliberately under the table and I freeze. I knew he had a death wish, but I didn’t know it was this bad.

I can’t say anything about it, so I settle for glaring at him. The look he gives me hurts, because it’s one of my favorites, but it’s for ‘behind closed doors’ only. I ignore him and go back to my book. When his foot finds my leg again, I surrender and slam my book shut.

“I’m going back to the dorm.”

“Sounds great.”

He’s gathering his stuff as I’m gathering mine, and I’m not sure if I’m only pretending to be pissed at him anymore. As expected, when I get up and leave, he follows, and I’m sure to give him some less than pleased looks, complete with a “Fuck off, Eren!” as we continue down the hall to the dorm.

The door is shut and locked behind us before he shoves me backwards until I lose my balance against the desk and sit back on it to keep from falling over. Our shit’s on the ground where we dropped it when he grabbed me, and he’s got a fistful of my shirt. His eyes dart over my face quickly before he crushes his face to mine. I hear his sharp inhale and follow his motions until I feel him shaking and I break away to comfort him, looping my arms around his waist and keeping our faces close. With me leaning on the desk, we’re the same height, but he tucks his face into my shoulder anyway. He’s still shaking, so I rub his back and kiss his messy hair.

“Hey,” I growl. I can usually snap him out of these spells.

“Today sucked.” He nuzzles closer, and I know where he’s going with this, so I squeeze him and pull him closer. He’s between my knees, but the desk is still keeping space between our hips. I’ll keep it that way, if I can.

“Every day sucks.”

He looks at me again, not quite as frantic as before, and sighs deeply, his eyebrows creased in worry. His arms are around me only so he can cling to my shirt, and his grip tightens against my skin. The way he’s looking at me, I expect him to kiss me again, but when he moves he just drops his head on my shoulder. He’s shaking again, more erratic and forceful, and I do what I can to comfort him, but the heavy sob from my shoulder surprises me.

“God, Eren, are you crying?”

“No,” he growls, letting go of me so he can wipe at his face, but he’s still fighting the convulsions of his sobs.

“Was I too dick-ish? You know I wouldn’t actually tell you to fuck off. Well, not usually.”

“No, it’s not that. Ass. It’s just,” he takes a deep, sniffling breath and stares at the ceiling for a moment. The lights are off, but there’s still light from the window, even if it’s getting dark out. The curtains are drawn, of course, but we’ve always felt like maybe no one could see us with the lights off. I can see his tears pooling in the corner of his eyes and he grits his teeth before he tilts his head back down. “I can’t take this.”

He’s never said anything like this. Eren’s not stoic about anything. If he stubs his toe, he’ll curse and grump about it for hours, and he’s a needy little shit when he’s sick. He’s never said anything about how...we...make him feel. Was I wrong to assume he was as fine as me?

“Eren…”

“No, forget it. You need to study.” He moves away from me before I can stop him, and the lights are on at his hand, the spell broken. I watch him walk across the dorm and sit himself on his bed, facing away from me.

“Don’t fuckin’ do this.” He’s making me mad, but he always makes me mad. That’s how we function. We’re angry because nothing’s fair.

“Go study.” His tone is flat and dead. He won’t turn around.

I kneel on the edge of his bed and float my arms around him. I’m still pissed that he thinks he can’t tell me what’s wrong, but I know what he needs.

“Eren. Just tell me.”

He moves away from me again, but it’s just shuffling, him turning around to face me, head down. When he doesn’t speak for a moment, I move to place my hand on his shoulder, but he catches it and holds it with unnecessary force.

“How can you just go through the fucking day and pretend everything’s fine all the time?” He’s angry, but he’s crying too. I keep my head level, place my free hand on his face.

“Everything sucks, Eren, but there’s nothing out of place here.”

“Because it’s a fucking secret! How can you not look at them and think ‘how many of them would hate me if they knew?’”

I stay silent. He’s got me pinned in place with his eyes, his stupidly large and turquoise eyes, but they’re watering and full of fury. And something else. Hurt. The only thing I can offer him is my hand on his cheek.

“What the hell do you want me to do, Eren, tell everyone?”

Eren answers by choking on a sob so I bring him close to me and he doesn’t fight it. I wish there was more I could do for him, but I’m as stuck as he is. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about what he said. The difference was that I never _let_ myself think about it, or I’d be ten times as angry as I am usually. He’s still crying into my shoulder and I can’t take it so I squeeze him as hard as I can and hope that it’s comforting. It seems to have the desired effect since he calms a little.

“What do you want me to do, Eren?” Softer, quieter. He’s still in my shoulder, but I hear his reply.

“Love me.”

I want to laugh because it’s the most ridiculous thing he’s ever said to me.

“I already do.”

When he pulls back to kiss me, it’s sweet and slow, but there’s an air of starvation to it. His eyes are still watering and I kiss at his tears when he lets go, my face close enough to feel his lips move against my skin when he speaks again.

“Then _make_ love to me.”

We have school in the morning. The lights are still on and we haven’t even eaten dinner yet. I’ve got a mountain of homework to do and Eren has a mountain to ignore until he copies it all from Armin. I need a shower, and admittedly, he’s not as shaved as I prefer--I know because he uses my razor and it hasn’t moved since I left it for him in plain sight a week ago. But I don’t care. He’s hurting and it’s hurting me. I want to kiss him everywhere it hurts, but I can’t kiss where the lie is wrapped around his subconscious, so I kiss his mouth, his cheeks, leave a constellation of kisses on his neck and down his chest when he takes off his shirt and takes mine with it. I’ll kiss him everywhere if it makes him feel better, even his feet and I hate feet.

“Don’t think about it anymore.” I’m at his stomach and he shivers when I kiss him there. “This is the only thing that matters to me. You.”

I move to kiss lower, grab for the clasp on his khaki slacks that match mine--a sick reminder of this school and everything it stands for--when a fist knocks insistently at the door. I start. It’s locked, I know it’s locked and Eren sits up so quickly he almost hits me.

“Who is it?” He grabs a shirt and puts it on.

“It’s me. You still have my calculator.” Armin’s voice, no doubt.

I grab the other shirt while Eren hops across the room trying to regain his balance after tearing away from me. He pulls a fancy graphing calculator out of his bag and I see him tuck his erection into the waistband of his underwear without glancing at me. I don’t exist anymore, not as the source of that particular mishap anyhow. I’m just the asshole roommate he can’t stand. I realize what’s wrong with the picture just before Eren opens the door. I’m on Eren’s bed. I make it to mine and pretend to be asleep.

This. It should hurt, but it doesn’t.

“Honestly, I don’t know why you bothered taking it. It’s not like you actually used it.”

“Shut up, Armin.”

“Oh, Jean’s here. That’s weird. Normally I can hear you two yelling from down the hall when he is.”

“Much better when he’s sleeping, believe it or not.”

“I’m about to go get dinner. Should we wake him and ask if he wants to come with us?”

“Nah. If he sleeps through dinner it’s his own damn fault. I already tried. Besides, then we might actually have to eat with him.”

He’s better at this than I give him credit for.

“Your eyes are red. Were you crying?”

“Nah, the idiot hit me in the nose when I tried to wake him up. Made my eyes water, that’s all.”

That’s the last of what I hear before they shut the door and leave, and I sit up. Eren’s a pretty smooth liar, I have to admit, but there’s no way Armin believed him. Not that he will say anything about it. If anyone’s smart enough to catch on, it’s Armin, but he’s got enough accusations against him that he couldn’t say anything without it backfiring. That’s why they rearranged the rooms, after all.

I go to dinner, but I don’t even glance at him. I always know exactly where he is these days. It’s like a sixth sense. Instead I sit with Sasha and Connie. They’re good enough company, not that I’d rather sit with anyone else. Being next to their stupidity is somehow immensely calming, which is what I need after my run-in with Eren. He’s there, across the room, messing around with Mikasa and Armin, for sure. I don’t mind the noise of the mess hall most of the time. It’s background noise, numbing static for my nerves while I pretend I’m not watching Eren out of the corner of my eye. Like the library, it’s one of the only places this shit school allows girls and guys to mingle. Not that I give a fuck about girls. Mikasa and Sasha are both pretty as hell, but Sasha has been with Connie for years now, and Mikasa is more likely to kick ass than date anyone. Not that dating is allowed here. I’ll get to that, probably.

It would be pretty bad. Should be. But it’s not. I like to think that the mind is the most powerful thing a person can ever control. I’ve got my shit in check, so I just never let it bother me. If I let myself, I would spend every second of the day thinking about the look on my mom’s face if I told her, or how hard my older brothers would hit me in the face or what it would feel like to hear my dad call me a fag. I would, and I could, but I don’t. Even if Eren might, I can’t, because if I did, that’d make two of us, and it’d probably end in some Romeo and Juliet shit.

But I worry about him, because I don’t think he knows how to stop anything about himself. That’s what I like about Eren. He’s so fucking honest, with everything. Maybe that’s why this hurts him so much. I’ve never seen him lie about anything else.

I’m back in the dorm before he even leaves the dining hall. I think for once, I’m feeling guilty as I turn out the lights and leave my books in a state of abandonment on my desk. He comes back late and he comes back alone, and I’ve reduced myself to playing on my phone while I wait, but I catch him before he can turn the lights on. Kiss him before he can ask why I’m sitting in the dark like a creep, and pull his legs around me before he gets the urge to drag me to his bed.

I take him out of my shirt--I noticed long ago that we’d grabbed the wrong shirts by mistake, and surely Armin had noticed it too--and he peels his off of me. This isn’t us resuming where we left off. That’s worlds away. This is just another moment in time, one that’s similar but not quite the same. He’s smooth and warm under my fingertips, and he squeaks when my fingers find the tip of one of his nipples. I want him, then, truly want him. He doesn’t usually let me take control, and normally I’m just aiming for something that’ll make me hurt, as if taking it from him could take his pain too, but today he’s too soft in my arms, and I just know he’s about to fall to pieces.

“You’re so strong,” I whisper to him, kissing his jaw and the shell of his ear while my hands undo his slacks. “Every fucking day you wake up and face it. You’re so strong.”

He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to. I kiss him and kiss him, and somewhere in between the kisses, our pants vanish and I keep kissing him, anywhere I can reach. I kiss anywhere his body quivers as I work him with my fingers, using only vaseline because at least if someone finds it, we can make up excuses for having it instead of something we can’t explain. I kiss his warm stomach, his slack mouth and the tip of his nose, and kiss his shoulder when I slide in and he stiffens. I kiss him until he relaxes and keep kissing him up through the part where my hips move erratically and slam to a halt as I finish, somewhere after I’ve kissed him hard on the collarbone for tensing as he finished. I only stop kissing him when I fall asleep, the two of us naked and filthy.

It’s fine. The door is locked, the alarms set. We’ll be awake and clean and back to hating each other before anyone else has even brushed their teeth.

Before I fall asleep, I hear him whispering to me in the dark.

“I’ll never be strong like you, Jean.”

And I can’t help but think what a lie it is.

This is the part where I go off on a tangent again, just to do a little explaining. We’re nearly free. With the glorious dawn of our graduation on the horizon and the passage of our eighteenth birthdays, we’re on our way out of this sickening institution. I really shouldn’t complain about it, but I have my reasons. My brothers all went to better schools, albeit in the same program as St. Maria. St. Rose and St. Sina are far more revered, but the threat was public high school if I didn’t get my act together. Even if I was bringing up the tail end of the Kirschstein legacy, the expectation went that I would follow in their footsteps and do something great with my life, but my brothers were good at things, and the only thing I’m good at is running my goddamned mouth. Who knows, maybe I’ll be a lawyer or something.

Anyway, St. Maria, Rose, and Sina all stand together as the three best high schools in the entirely charming state of Wyoming, all run by the same branch of rich, white Evangelical Baptists. Now, it’s not as bad as it seems. Okay, it is, but I don’t blame them for it. Everyone in the state (and literally everyone, because the population here is like, five people) is born and raised on the Holy Book and the lives and breathes the Word of the Lord. I know the Bible up, down, left, right, back, front, center, and inside-out. I’ve taken a class on it every year since I could read, and been in church every Sunday since--well, you get the point. The community is rather conservative, to say the least. You can imagine how they feel about homosexuality.

I don’t need to tell you why I’m getting the hell out of here as soon as I can.

Until I graduate though, I’m stuck here. Well, I mean, there’s still summer before I head off to the big university I chose in California specifically because it’s _not_ Wyoming, and god forbid there be actual cell service there, but summer’s easier to deal with. I made sure my parents were at least mildly approving of the school, and I’ve already gone through early orientation and gotten enrolled in classes. I’m almost free.

Coincidentally, Eren just so happened to get into the same university. Misery loves company, I guess.

But I don’t know that. One day I will accidentally run into him on campus and we’ll both yell and fight like we always do.

Or maybe we’ll finally give up on pretending that we hate each other. I mean, we do, but there’s more to it than that. I actually like his stupid face, even if he’s a dipshit most of the time. But maybe there, we wouldn’t have to worry about anyone beating us over the head with the Word of God. Everyone lying in wait with a Bible around here would be miles away. They’d never know.

Or maybe it’s just a stupid hope. My family would find out one way or another.

I don’t really give a fuck, but it might feel really great to say it out loud.

I’m gay.

Sasha corners me in the library when I’m pretending I know what the fuck a torque is while scanning my physics homework. Sasha never corners people for favorable reasons, and I groan as soon as she sits down next to me and props an elbow on my homework. I could leave, I guess, but she still has my homework hostage.

“So who are you taking to prom?” She singsongs, twirling a finger in her hair. She’s got chocolate at the corner of her mouth again.

“Not going,” I grunt, trying to extract my homework without ripping it. She doesn’t budge.

“It’s prom, Jean! You have to go! You’re class treasurer!”

I really don’t do anything as treasurer, but it basically makes me a rep, so I have to show up to school events unless I’m on my deathbed. Maybe I can get Eren to hit me in the face. Or maybe we’ll just get into a fight so I’ll have some company.

“Fine, fine, I’ll take you. All you had to do was ask.”

She smacks my arm.

“I’m going with Connie. You know that.” She sprawls back across the table, and all hopes of saving my homework are gone. “Come on… There has to be somebody!”

“What do you want me to do, get my teeth knocked out trying to ask Mikasa? No thanks.”

“Christa!” Sasha exclaims.

“Didn’t Reiner already ask her?”

Sasha deflates a little.

“Annie?”

“I’m pretty sure she hates me.”

“Nah, it’s just her face. Or she actually hates everyone. I’m not sure.”

“Still.” I dig around in my bag to see if there’s other homework I can work on.

“What about Mina?”

“The freshman? No way. I’m not gonna be that guy who takes an underclassman.”

Sasha groans.

“You need more friends.”

“You need to get off my homework.”

She moves, but only slightly, keeping her elbow in the center of the paper. There’s no point in trying to pry it out from under her. I sigh heavily and Sasha just looks at me with her big-ass dopey eyes and I know I’m not getting out of this easily. I run calculations in my head, trying to think of a girl that’s of equal worth to me as my grade. Praise Jesus for completion grades in physics.

“Look, Sash, I’m just not interested in chicks, okay?”

Shit. Shit that sounds bad. I hope I didn’t say that too loudly because I’m going to seriously have to cover my ass. Sasha quirks an eyebrow at me and snorts.

“What are you, some sort of faggot?”

“I didn’t mean it like that, fatass.” She hates that nickname, but it’s also my affectionate way of referring to her. “I just meant I don’t like any of the chicks here. Snooty white chicks who think they’re God’s princess. It’s not my type.”

I know I’m still religious, because I’m thanking God that she buys it.

“Well I don’t know what to tell you bud, because that’s the only kind we got around here.”

I eye my homework again.

“Nah, there’s two. Snooty and white, and perpetually hungry.” I tap the tip of her nose. She may be Connie’s girl, but at least if someone sees this after that one poorly phrased statement, they’ll have reason to think otherwise. I’m straight. Jean Kirschstein is straight.

She laughs along and retreats from my homework ever so slightly. I’ve got her right where I want her.

“Alright, alright, I’ll ask Mikasa. But if she punches me, it’s on you.”

She lets out a girly high pitch squeal before finally releasing my captive homework. I probably will ask Mikasa later on, but I’m not expecting anything. She probably wouldn’t hit me, but I don’t see her saying yes either. She doesn’t like me. The reason for that is that she thinks I hate her brother, and she dotes on him. But she’s none the wiser.

I get back to my dorm and I’m surprised to see Eren there doing what almost looks like homework. It isn’t homework, but it could be. He barely looks up when I walk in, doesn’t respond when I say hello. It would probably bother other people, but it’s just Eren to me. He doesn’t react until I get close enough to see what he’s doing, at which point he snaps his sketchbook shut before I even get a glimpse.

“Hey asshat, thanks for saying hi to me. My day was great, thanks for asking.”

“I was busy,” he grumbles, and he tucks the sketchbook into his desk drawer. I’ve never actually seen any of his drawings, and the drawer is never locked, but I know better than to look in it.

“Yeah?” I say, an inch from his face.

He stays frozen, eyes slitted.

“The door…” he breathes.

“Locked.”

He doesn’t hesitate any longer, crushing his mouth to mine. I let him kiss me hard, letting out the day’s frustrations. I’m fine with it. It’s the best outlet I can think of. He’s starting everything tonight, and I’m glad for the weekend. He’s back to his normal, horny self, not a trace of a tear anywhere. I let him push me onto his bed and he sits on my stomach, drawing himself up to where I can’t reach him.

“You piece of shit,” I laugh and grab one of his fingers and bite it.

“Ow. Weirdo cannibal.”

“Oh, I’m the cannibal, huh? With the way you eat ass?”

“Shut up.”

He sits on top of me for another second, then leans down so I can kiss him again.

“You know I fucking love you, right?” I mumble against his mouth. He speaks against mine.

“Yeah, and I love you too, asshole.”

I’m hoping it’s enough for both of us, at least for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find me on tumblr [here](http://themodernchromatic.tumblr.com/) c:


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the end, we're all afraid of something.

I try not to make a habit of looking like an idiot in front of everyone, so I find Mikasa in the library and pull her aside so I can at least tell Sasha I asked her. Though there’s still the possibility she’ll just punch me in the face. She’s not a particularly… eloquent person. Fists are easier than words, I agree, and the way I keep glancing over her shoulder accidentally and meeting eyes with her brother, who hasn’t looked away from us since I isolated us, I’m just asking to be hit right now.

“So, uh, Mikasa, prom’s coming up. Do you wanna go with me?”

I’m wondering if I should act nervous, because shouldn’t I be nervous? Asking a pretty girl to prom usually makes guys nervous, but then I don’t suppose I have much use for nerves. If I let myself get nervous, I’d never leave the dorm.

“Are you serious?”

She’s actually asking me if I’m serious. Her tone is characteristically flat and cold--at least toward me, anyway--and she thinks I’m just messing with her.

“I… uh, yeah?” I really don’t know what to say. I should just apologize and leave her alone.

“Isn’t there anyone else you’d rather go with?”

Ouch. I mean, it’s true, but still.

“Er, not really. Do you wanna go with me or not?”

“Sure.”

It takes me a second to realize she’s actually said yes, since I was still partially expecting her to punch me in the face, but then I remember that I actually have to react and try to come up with something resembling elation.

“Oh, sweet!”

But I literally can’t think of anything else to say, so she tells me she’ll coordinate the outfits later, whatever that means, and leaves. When I watch her walk back to the table, I see that Eren’s still staring at me and I probably look pretty stupid because I still have half a grin on my face but I’m so incredibly confused that I’m sure I just look ridiculous.

He corners me in the only place he can, our dorm room.

“My sister? Why the hell would you--”

“Oh, come on, Eren. What was I supposed to do? Ask you? I practically have to show up, and my mother would never let me live it down if I went to prom without a date.” I shouldn’t be, but I’m trying to ignore him. I could lie and tell him this is for both of us, to throw people off before they even get suspicious, but that’s not true. I’m saving my own skin. That’s it.

He looks away, still angry, but I’ve taken the words out of his mouth. I can’t tell if he’s jealous, or if he’s just mad that I didn’t tell him about what I was planning beforehand.

“Is it really that big a deal?” I try, hoping to ease my guilt somehow.

He opens his mouth to retort but decides against it and sighs deeply. Resignation.

“No. I mean, I guess not. But it’d be nice.”

The laugh bursts out before I can stop it.

“It’d be nice? What is this, the fucking movies? If we get too friendly with each other, they’ll send us to Pastor Nick to make sure everything’s alright. I’m pretty sure they’d ship us off to some ‘pray the gay away’ thing if we so much as hugged. You’re afraid to even be seen talking to me. I’m doing us a favor.”

There it is. My lie. I’m expecting him to blow up at me, because that’s what he always does when I call him out on something but he just turns away from me. For a second I think I’m lashing out at him because maybe I actually am afraid too, but that’s not it. Looking at him, dejected and scowling, I know why. The only person I’m afraid for is him. I’m not lying. I’m right. I really am doing us a favor.

“I’m not afraid to be seen talking to you,” he says without meeting my eye.

“Maybe not, but you’re afraid of everything else.”

Sometimes I think I need to shut the fuck up, but I’m pretty sure don’t know how to do that.

“Yeah?” He’s angry now. “Well, fuck me because we can’t all be like you and not give a shit! Unlike you, I wake up every morning and _fear for my life_ because kids like us wind up dead in the streets every day. We’re not safe here. We’re not safe anywhere, and you’re stupid for thinking otherwise. I don’t think you really get it, because if you did, you’d be scared too.”

He looks me in the eye while he yells at me, but backs down when I scowl and turns away. He’s probably tearing up, and I’m a piece of shit for causing it. But the thing is, I’m not really sure how to make this right.

“If you’re really that afraid, maybe we shouldn’t do this.”

That’s my grand-fucking-solution. Telling him goodbye. As if we wouldn’t have to share a dorm either way. He looks at me again, this time actually crying, but still angry as hell.

“You think that’s gonna change anything, Jean? You think that’s gonna make me less gay? If you leave? Maybe you _are_ afraid. I know I am. But,” he wipes his face clumsily and his voice breaks when he continues. “I can’t do this alone.”

“Then don’t.”

He looks at me a moment before throwing his arms around my neck. I hold on for dear life.

“I don’t…” I start, clenching handfuls of Eren’s shirt. “I don’t know what it’s like for you to be so scared. I am scared. I’m scared too, but I’m scared for you. Sometimes I think I don’t know how to help you because I don’t let myself get scared like you do. I’m only scared I can’t help you.”

“Asshole,” he growls into my shoulder, but his breath stutters a little as he says it. “Just be here.”

“Okay.”

He holds on, breathing into my shoulder and calming down. I don’t know what I’m doing to him anymore. I might be lying to him, telling him I can put on a show and take his sister to prom because then it still looks like we hate each other, but maybe that’s just for me. It’s not like I don’t know everything he does. They’d do god-awful things to us if they found out. The whole world would. Maybe it’s some ill-perceived idea of mine that if it happened to me I’d be a martyr, or maybe I just really don’t care, but I’m not afraid like him. The only fear I have is for him. I hate to be so retrospective, but I don’t want to lose anyone else.

“I love you, Jean.”

It takes me a second to reply because I’m still trying to get my bearings about the whole thing, but it’s long enough for Eren to pull back wondering if I would say it back.

“I love you, too. No more crying. People might start thinking you’re gay or something.”

Eren looks momentarily puzzled, then he breaks into a smile.

“Yeah,” he breathes. “Wouldn’t want that.”

 

The first time anything really happened, it was a mistake. In a way, it was a long time coming. Like I said, I hated him because he gave me a gay scare that lead to me actually being at least partially gay (no one can deny the glory of tits), and for the most part he hated me because he couldn’t figure out why I hated him.

It was really only a few months ago, right in August when we’d first started rooming together. He still hated me for me hating him, but I’d lost a lot of capacity to feel. Or at least, that’s what it’d felt like. We got into a fight on the first day. I don’t even remember what it was about, but all I can remember is how much I didn’t want to deal with any of it. Whenever he started a fight with me I’d just shut down and he’d cool off. I couldn’t justify to myself getting angry at someone for menial things like that anymore. It’s pretty stupid, but when you’re a teenager you think you’re gonna have this long life and that everything will work out and you’ll be healthy and you’ve got years and years but honestly, having your best friend die when you’re seventeen shakes that.

So for me, fighting with Eren was the most pointless thing ever because he could die tomorrow, I could die tomorrow, and we’d just be angry at each other. Then, he asked me about it straight up one day, just asked why I’d stopped hating him so much so I told him. He started sympathizing with me a little; his mom had died when he was like ten, so he actually had an idea of what it meant to feel like everything around you had an expiration date. Then I started to actually like him. I don’t know how he felt about me at the time, but I got the feeling that maybe we could actually be friends, even if we still ignored each other outside of the dorm.

It was alright for awhile, but then I started noticing things a little too much and I remembered why I didn’t like him in the first place. He’d walk around in nothing but his boxers and I couldn’t give a shit about the Laffer Curve because the only curve on my mind was his ass. I started leaving the room to study and do homework because I stopped paying attention to it when he was around. It was bad and it only got worse. Eren got more comfortable with me as a roommate and started walking around in towels after he showered, then changing right in front of me. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, but eventually I blew my cover asking him to stop.

“Can you, like, not walk around with your ass hanging out all the time?”

And he’d been so confused, like, clearly he’d done it before with other roommates.

“Why?”

“Because it makes me uncomfortable, that’s why. I don’t wanna stare at another dude’s ass, okay?”

“Doesn’t bother me.” And then it was like he knew what I was getting at. “I don’t see why it would bother you, unless you’re like…”

“No! I’m not… I mean, I don’t have a problem with people like that, I guess but…” I ended up just putting my foot in my mouth but most surprisingly, he came clean. I don’t know at what point it was that he decided that he trusted me, but he told me then. I could’ve told everyone and gotten him kicked out of school or worse, and he just came out and said it.

“Well that’s good, or you’d have a problem with me.”

I didn’t even know what to say. I think I left the room and came back later to apologize, but I spent the entire night just staring at the ceiling thinking ‘god, him too.’ And then I started wondering if he could ever like me too, or if I was just too much of an asshole. I knew what it would mean if he did, but I don’t think I had quite a grasp on what it would feel like to be with someone in secret.

I spent weeks almost avoiding him. I kept our conversations as brief as possible, and they soured again whenever we were in public, but when I got the chance to talk to him one-on-one I found myself liking him more and more until it got to me. I guess I’m pretty much shit at keeping things to myself if even Eren Jaeger could tell when I was in a bad mood because he eventually cornered me in our room--literally cornered me, against a wall--and asked me what my fucking problem was.

I couldn’t do it. I knew then that I wasn’t brave like him. I was weak and terrified, and I couldn’t say anything when he’d been so open with me. I lashed out at him, trying to get him to let it go, just let me go, but he wouldn’t. He’s so goddamned stubborn, and he knew he’d found a sore spot.

I was so scared, and then I just wasn’t. I was only afraid of him, afraid he wouldn’t like me, wouldn’t accept me and all I could think was ‘what do I have to lose?’ I wasn’t afraid of anyone else finding out. Just Eren.

So when he asked me again, “What’s your fucking problem, Kirschstein?” I answered him honestly.

“You.”

He was confused enough to let go of me, at least, and I could’ve let it be and just let him think I hated him again, but he looked so lost and almost hurt, and I wanted to be brave like him so I kept going. It scared me out of my mind, and my heart was pounding so loudly I couldn’t hear myself think, but he was right there, just inches away from me. And what if he liked me too?

“I… shit. I like you, Eren. Like, _like_ you.”

Somehow I’d managed to keep my voice from shaking, and I couldn’t look away. I’ll never forget the look on his face, trying to figure out if I was serious or not, right before he took a handful of my shirt and kissed me. I wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t even expecting him to get it at first, but I was pretty clear. It was better than I’d hoped for, better than I’d imagined.

It was like something out of a movie. I’d never had a kiss like it in my entire life, and I’ve never had one since. I could feel it all the way down to my toes. It bubbled in my stomach like happiness, like I’d been waiting for it. My entire face felt warm and I smiled right in the middle of it. I’ve never felt so stupid for feeling so happy.

Of course, I should’ve known it wouldn’t just be that easy. I don’t know what I was expecting, but to be fair I don’t think he knew what he was expecting either. Neither of us are known for having particularly good foresight. It was easy. It was just _too_ easy.

I admit that the first few weeks I was absolutely terrified. But like I said, I was never afraid for me, just him. I couldn’t give a shit about anybody finding out until it meant dragging him down with me. He took the whole ‘kiss in the dorm room thing’ as ‘we’re now officially friends,’ but for me it just meant that I couldn’t be anywhere near him in public. Sometimes I think the roles have reversed, but then we’re both just a little paranoid, albeit for different reasons.

Eventually we got it figured out. I was scared for him so much that I didn’t want to risk being friendly in public, and he was scared because all he had left was his homophobic father and he couldn’t go back home as the ‘gay son’. It didn’t bother me, really, having to hide it. I guess I didn’t think about it then because he never said anything, but now that he’s starting to say something about it, I feel bad for never noticing. Maybe it’s just a recent thing since we’re so close to just being out of here, or maybe it’s been there all along, but either way, until now he’s seemed fine.

I wasn’t even sure if it would continue after that one kiss. It seemed like an accident to me, even though I knew it’d been intentional and he started it, but it just didn’t seem like something that would happen again. He practically bolted from the room after it, and he didn’t show up again until after dinner when I was studying. He’d sat right on my bed and closed my book.

“Hey, Jean?” He’d played like he was trying to get my attention, but since closing my book he’d already had it. “Did you really mean what you said? I mean, I know we--”

“Yeah, Eren, I meant it.”

He’d smiled at me, but I could tell he still had his doubts so I’d leaned across myself, legs folded in front of me with the book on them, and leaned into him, just pushing my chin forward a little. I remember I almost lost my nerve in the middle of it, but then I’d caught a glimpse of him, leaning in too with his eyes slitted and his mouth slightly ajar and I’d had no problem closing the space. The second kiss was different from the first, soft and slow like something I could savor and I remember thinking ‘how have I never noticed how smooth his skin is?’ when I ran my fingers over his cheek. We’d moved together, slow and warm, breathing the same air. It felt like dreaming.

When we pulled apart I’d said something really stupid, like “You know, you’re really beautiful,” or something and he’d laughed so hard.

“Is this what you’re like when you’re not a dick?” It’d taken him several minutes to stop laughing.

“I’m not a dick! You’re a dick.”

“Take’s one to know one,” he’d shrugged.

“Fine, we’re both dicks.”

“Good thing I like dicks,” and he’d given me this sly smile that I’d never seen before and I turned bright red as soon as I realized what he meant. He’s been brutally honest from the start. It’s why I hated him, because he was so honest and he always told the truth no matter who or how much it hurt, but now I find it refreshing. Again, I think it’s why this is so hard for him. For once he can’t tell the world how he feels and it’s killing him.

 

I’d loved him from the start. He was a total prick half the time and at least half a prick all the time, but being so close to him changed the way I saw him. Sometimes when you get to know a person you find out you really don’t like them because they aren’t who you thought they’d be. Eren wasn’t who I thought he was at all, but everything I found out about him only made me love him more. I thought he was a dumbass with how thoughtlessly he speaks half of the time, but really he’s brilliant, just not in a conventional sense. He’s a wizard with his hands--I mean that in the least sexual way possible (although…). He can take apart a ballpoint pen and reassemble it into an alarm clock, god knows how. He’ll talk your ear off about clean energy and global warming and the oil crisis, then turn around and ask for help with basic algebra. He seems so simple on the surface, but really he’s incredible. He’s the kind of person that actually, genuinely listens to you when you talk to them, the kind of person that’ll push you forward even if you’re a cynic like me. Even when he’s breaking, he’ll put himself aside to make sure you’re okay.

I’m might fear selflessly, but Eren loves selflessly.

 

As if people don’t corner me enough in life, Sasha catches me at breakfast when I’m half awake and shovelling hashbrowns into my mouth. To be honest, I’ve forgotten all about everything that happened in the library yesterday, and I don’t see her coming until she plunks down beside me, Connie in tow. The first thing she does is steal one of my sausage links, and then she tries to give me a contusion or something by shaking me hard enough to knock the hashbrowns off my fork.

“Jean! You did it! I’m so proud of you! I told you she’d say yes!” She’s squealing around her mouthful of sausage, still shaking me. It takes a second to process what’s going on, and twice as long to get her to let go and stop shaking me.

“Sasha, what the fuck?”

“You! Asking Mikasa to prom! I told you you could do it!” She grins and Connie nods along, though he’s busy eyeing Sasha’s pancakes.

“That happened like, yesterday.” I rub one eye and curse every hour before noon. “How the heck did you find out so fast?”

“Mikasa’s my roommate, duh.” She rolls her eyes and steals another sausage link. “Besides, it’s all anyone’s been talking about.”

“Great,” I mutter sarcastically. “Because I just love being in the center of everyone’s gossip.”

“No! It’s good! Everyone thought you were some weird loner and that Mikasa would just beat the crap out of anyone who tried to date her, but now you’re a thing and people think it’s adorable!” She clasps her hands together and bats her eyelashes theatrically.

“We are not a thing,” I say too quickly and too harshly. “I just asked her to prom, that’s it. She’s pretty.” I’m quick to correct myself, but Sasha didn’t seem to see anything wrong with how quickly I distanced myself from Mikasa.

“Yeah, yeah, give it time. You two are going to have adorable babies, just watch,” she sings, and I resist the urge to laugh in her face. She gives me my peace though, and I actually get to go back to my breakfast while she starts harassing Connie about why he hasn’t come up with an adorable way to ask her to prom yet. He has, but he hasn’t done it yet, so I just stay out of the conversation.

Instead I do what I always do, discreetly peering at Eren from across the cafeteria. He’s with Armin and Mikasa like always, but Annie, Christa, and Ymir are with them this time. He’s in the middle of some ridiculous rant, I can tell because he always waves his hands around like crazy when he gets on his soapbox about something, and everyone is just listening patiently. Most of them are smiling or nodding, aside from Ymir who ignores him for her breakfast, so whatever he’s saying is at least interesting or funny. He looks up in the middle of a sentence and catches my eye and I see him freeze and suddenly I feel like I shouldn’t be looking at all. I look back down at my plate for a second and the guilt lingers, but I look up again anyway. Eren isn’t looking in my direction anymore, but I meet Armin’s eye on accident. I see his brow twitch and he lifts his chin just slightly before looking away. I know that look. He’s thinking.

Oddly enough, it doesn’t bother me. Maybe it’s because I know that Eren is his best friend, so even if he is suspicious, Armin wouldn’t do anything to hurt him, or maybe it’s just me thinking that I could pass for staring at Mikasa instead since she’s just to Eren’s left. If anyone asks, I’m staring at her. Why would I be looking at Jaeger? The guy’s a prick.

Sasha snaps me out of it, whether I’m worried or not.

“So I guess I just have one less uncle now. My mom called me last night.”

“Did he die? Sasha!” Connie looks appalled, because Sasha doesn’t really look phased.

“No. He called my grandparents and told them that he couldn’t keep it from everyone anymore and that he’d been in a relationship with a man for three years and that they were going to get married. My mom thinks he was going to ask for their blessing or something but they hung up on him and wouldn’t answer when he called back. She said ‘that’s not my brother anymore.’ I can’t blame her, really. He’s chosen a life of sin for himself.”

I should be the one who’s appalled now. Sasha’s a rather accepting person, even if she can get a little abrasive and excited at times, she was the only one who would talk to Connie until I met them in high school because he’s half black. It’s one thing to be black, but it’s another to be half because in the eyes of everyone around here, you’re the product of two peoples’ mistake. Wyoming isn’t quite as bad about the whole racism thing as, say, Kentucky, but we’re practically isolated, so people still stare a little too long at people like Mikasa and Connie, just because you don’t see them often.

Hearing words like that from Sasha, though, is still rather jarring. That’s one of the phrases the adults like to throw around. ‘A life of sin,’ ‘needs to repent,’ ‘needs the Lord,’ ‘just a phase,’ ‘just confused.’ It almost sounds weird coming from someone my age.

“Do you think it’s wrong?” I can’t help but ask it, quietly, as if I hadn’t meant to say anything, but it still gets Sasha’s attention.

“It’s in the bible,” she replies, though she draws out the words like she’s confused by my question.

“A lot of things are in the bible, Sash. You just ate all my sausage. That’s like 90% pork. The bible condemns swine as like, the dirtiest animals in existence.”

“Aw, man, you just sinned so hard!” Connie laughs.

“Well, yeah, I guess. But Pastor Nick told us that it was forbidden because the Jews couldn’t prepare it properly and it was making them sick, so they saw pigs as dirty, but things have changed.”

“Haven’t they?” I counter.

“I don’t think it’s so bad,” Connie offers. He nods at me and laughs. “More chicks for us straight dudes if you know what I mean.”

Sasha smacks him on the shoulder with the back of her hand.

“Excuse you, you only get one chick. If you want more than one, I’m not included.” She grouches, and Connie assuages her mood with a forkful of scrambled eggs.

“I don’t see why you’re so worried about this, Jean. You’ve got everything lined up for you. Yeah, gay people exist, but maybe they’re not supposed to because they’re going against God. Or maybe he’s alright with them, I mean, the guy’s got bigger problems than homos, I’m sure. I don’t know.”

“Right.” I should drop it. We’ve essentially come to an impasse, but Sasha and Connie are the closest friends I have, probably ever, what with the others being Eren and Marco. “But, someone so close to you? Your own family? You’d stop calling him your uncle just because you found out he was gay?”

“He’s different now,” Sasha replies nonchalantly. She picks at Connie’s food with her fork.

“How? He’s been gay the whole time. Nothing’s changed. You just know about it now.”

“God, you sound like a liberal or something,” Sasha groans. “I don’t know. He’s not a bad person, I guess. But he’s different to me now, like he lied to all of us.”

I manage to keep my tongue this time. It’s not her fault. Around here, it’s no one’s fault. We’re the products of what we’ve been raised to be. Maybe she’ll change her mind later, or maybe she won’t. I’ve never cared if anyone knew about me. I’d be fine if I had to leave everything--my friends, my family, this goddamned state as a whole. People would look at me differently but I wouldn’t care. My fear is not for me.

 

It’s my turn to rage and crave affection when we close the door. He’s on his back on his bed when I get back from dinner, phone held out in front of him while he plays some sort of game on it. He barely notices me when I come in, only offering a tiny ‘hey.’ He doesn’t notice when I lock the door, and he doesn’t realize what’s going on until I turn out the lights. In the light of his phone I see his eyes snap to me, like I’ve just set off a trap of some sort. He knows immediately what I’m up to. I’m just glad it’s Saturday.

“Jean.”

The light of his phone goes out. I walk to where it was, picking my way carefully around the room in case of any stray books on the floor. I don’t say a word. I sit on the edge of his bed when I find it, and run my hands over the blankets until I find Eren. My hands keep running.

“Did you lock the door?” His voice is barely a whisper, and in the darkness I nod. He can’t see it. He’s still tense, like I’d be stupid enough to leave it unlocked with anything in mind. I slide my hands over him until I find his face.

“You can relax,” I tell him, an inch away from his mouth. I run my thumb over his bottom lip. My eyes are adjusting to the light, finally. “I locked the door.”

“Jean.” It slips out of his mouth in a tiny breath, just he lifts his head and closes his mouth. The way he kisses me, I know his day’s been almost as shitty as mine. I find his phone by accident, moving so I can be closer to him, though finding it involves knocking it into the space between the bed and the wall. He wraps his arms around my neck and I press closer, giving up on holding myself up and just laying on him. He hates when I do this.

“What happened?” He asks when I give him space to breathe. He hasn’t said anything about me squishing him, as much as he hates it, but I doubt he will today.

“Just. Stuff.” Amusingly, we’re equally talkative when we’re upset. I’d rather just be close to him than talk about it.

“Stuff?”

“Yeah.” I barely make a sound. The covers rustle a little as he moves. His hand on my cheek surprises me, but I lean into it, closing my eyes and breathing softly.

“You don’t wanna talk about it.”

I shake my head against his hand. His thumb rubs over my cheek once, then he puts both arms around me and squeezes. I don’t even realize how tense I’ve been until he crushes me to him. I let go. Not of him, I don’t think I could with how hard he’s holding on, but of the day. The week. Every moment since this started happening that wasn’t like this. I don’t want to hold on to anything but him anymore. I tell him that.

“You’re a sap,” he says, but he barely murmurs it. I’ve got my nose behind his ear, my chin on his shoulder just laying there. His hands rub up and down my back, slowly, everything I need.

“I love you, Eren.” I whisper it to him. I don’t need to. He already knows.

“I love you more.”

Normally, I’d fight him, but I don’t. Maybe today he does love me more. I’m squishing him like he hates and he’s ignoring it, and I came in demanding attention. All I can do is nuzzle closer and try to ignore the feeling in the pit of my stomach that makes me wonder if it’s what he feels every day. We’re here only hugging, just piled on top of his bed but we’ve locked the door and shut off the lights like we’re operating a fucking meth lab or something. It feels like being found with a meth lab would come with less consequences. As simple as it is, just being wrapped up together, we can’t be found like this. We’ve made sure of it.

But what can I say? We’re both cowards, it seems. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -quietly uploads at 4 in the morning oops-  
> I have a [tumblr](http://themodernchromatic.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren ends up in an unfortunate situation.

Sunday means church. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind church. Eren hates it, I know, but that’s mostly because he doesn’t believe in God anymore. He has his reasons. I still do, though. I’ve tried imagining a world where I don’t, and I really just can’t. Once upon a time, someone told me God loved all of his creations and it just stuck with me, even after I became something those same people told me he hated. I couldn’t see calling someone ‘Father’ unless he loved you, no matter what. What kind of man can hate his own children and still call himself a father?

That’s just the way I see it, though.

For Eren, I know it’s different. My dad’s not the best, but he’s been there for me. From what Eren tells me, his wasn’t really there from the start, and it only got worse after his mom died. I know if my dad ever found out, it would change a lot of things, but I’m not sure he’d hate me. He wouldn’t like it, and he probably wouldn’t want to talk to me for a long time, maybe never again, but Eren’s dad wouldn’t tolerate it. I don’t like to imagine what would happen. His dad leads protests, funds all kinds of groups. That’s all Eren will say about it, and for once I know better than to pry. It makes sense for him to be touchy about calling anyone ‘Father.’

I wouldn’t say I get up on Sundays looking forward to church, but it’s not so bad. Pastor Nick always has a good message. He always pushes for promoting the whole ‘love thy neighbor’ thing. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him condemn homosexuality in a sermon, but he has said that they should repent and the Lord will welcome them. Not much of a difference in the scope of things, but it’s still more than the guest pastors who say ‘fags burn in hell’ and whatnot.

Eren sits next to me in church. We actually sit together for a lot of things, but not ever willingly. Our agreement to avoid each other in public still stands, but here we can’t help it. They organize us alphabetically by last name so they can take roll, so Eren’s always next to me. I used to hate it because I hated him. Now I only hate it because of how uneasy it makes him. Church attendance is a requirement; it’s not unlike our English teacher to assign an essay on Sunday’s sermon.

Today’s sermon dissects the parable of the Good Samaritan. All of us know it by heart by now, but parables, Pastor Nick says, are like classic literature; you get something new out of them every time you read them. Today I wonder if it means that people who you think would hate you would actually help you if you were hurt. Eren doesn’t seem to agree; he’s practically bristling. He hates church. I want to do something to maybe ease his anger, but there’s no easy fix for him. To Eren, church is just another way they hammer hatred into you.

We don’t have any classes today. Sunday school ended for us after middle school, so everyone takes it as free time. Eren runs off with Armin and Mikasa, leaving me to my own devices. Sasha and Connie are nowhere to be found, probably making out in a closet or something. I’ve got homework to do, but I linger in the chapel, just watching it clear out. After a few minutes, I’m the only one left. It’s almost surreal, like I’m in God’s house, but totally alone. I won’t say I feel a presence, but it’s different from being alone elsewhere. I can’t help but think of Eren. I’m always thinking of him, and I understand why he doesn’t believe--he told me he hasn’t since his mother died. But that’s the thing about faith. Sometimes adversity makes it stronger, and sometimes it kills it. Losing Marco made mine stronger, and I like to believe if I live a good life, I can still go to heaven or whatever when I die. Maybe I can make a case for Eren, too. What does God do for his children who stray and never come back?

I find myself on my knees in the pew, hands folded. I want to pray for Eren, but I feel like he wouldn’t want it. I’m not going to ask Eren to believe again, faith is something that can’t be forced on people. We both grew up to it, but I chose to keep mine. Instead I simply recite the words I’ve known since I was six.

_Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever, amen._

There’s some dispute in the interpretation, but it pretty much covers all your bases. Do good, provide for us, forgive us, show us the way, and save our souls because you’ve got all the power. I used to say it every night without thinking about it. Most people do, I think, just as a habit. People only think about it when they really need something from it. I don’t know what I need. Forgiveness? Deliverance from evil? I like to think that there’s nothing wrong with the way I am. So I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I leave after a few more minutes, head back to my dorm half-hoping Eren is there. He’s not, but all my homework still is. It’s aggravating how much homework teachers assign when there’s only three weeks of school left.

Still. Only three weeks.

I grab the first thing I find, prop open a textbook and try to focus. I wouldn’t say I’m a great student. I just really hate the idea of unfinished work. It’s kind of a lucky compulsion--as much of a contradiction as that is. Doesn’t mean I always get it done right away though. Just that I can’t feel comfortable doing other things until I’ve finished it. Spacing out is still totally an option. All I can think about is Eren. It’s like we’re on the edge of something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just graduation. Or maybe it’s prom. That’s next weekend anyway.

I give up on trying to figure out what it is and work through my homework mindlessly. I stop to get lunch once, then after getting through half of it, reading the last few pages of Heart of Darkness, and a whole lot of spacing out, I get dinner too. It’s quiet. I’m alone the whole time, hours and hours. I don’t find Eren at dinner, and I wasn’t looking for him at lunch. Everything feels off. I finish up my homework without a thought.

Eren gets back so late I’ve already turned out the lights to go to bed. I can’t sleep, but I wasn’t worried. I should’ve been though.

I hear the click of the lock and the sound of the door opening, then the click of the lock again as Eren secures it. I stare up at the dark ceiling for a moment.

“You’re back late,” I say, going the obvious route.

He grunts in reply. He doesn’t bother with the lights or his clothes, just shuffles across the room and falls onto his bed without a word.

“You going to bed?”

“Mm.”

“Do I get a kiss?” I move to go to him, and he gets up fast. I see him back against the wall with a hand in front of him silhouetted in the dark.

“Don’t come over here.” His voice shakes. Alarms go off in my head.

“Eren? What is it? Let me--” I can’t move closer without him moving back. I grit my teeth and go for the lights instead. He covers his face instantly. My limbs fill with lead so it gets harder to move across the room to him with each step. I put a knee on his bed as if it’ll break if I move too quickly. I can’t keep the dread out of my voice. “Eren, what’s wrong?”

He pulls away from me when I get a hand on his shoulder, knees drawn up around himself, face still hidden. I pull myself further onto the bed, put my hands on his over his face.

“Eren. L-let me see.” I can’t keep my voice steady. I don’t want to see my worst fear. Slowly, as tenderly as I can, I pull his hands away, grimacing when I see him wince. He keeps his head down even after his hands are away. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to prompt hims further to look up at me, to show me the full extent of what I’m already seeing. He’s here cowering like a beaten dog as it is. I don’t want to see it. He lifts his head of his own volition. He’s crying again.

“Who did this to you?” I hiss, barely more than a whisper.

He shakes his head, a little sob slipping out. His left eye is swollen shut, split around the cheekbone and there’s already a dark bruise forming. His lower lip is split too, but the injuries aren’t even recent. The blood crusting his lip and cheek flakes away, and there’s still a bit of it dried under his nose where it’s been broken out of place. My eyes water.

“Why didn’t you come home sooner?” Even as I say the words, I choke on them. He didn’t want me to see.

He sobs my name, so I pull him closer, hands under his arms like I’m picking up a child. He cries out when I move him--God, they must’ve hit him everywhere--so I just guide his head into my lap and stroke his hair. I don’t even realize I’m crying until a tear lands on his face and he flinches. He moves to wipe it away, as if his face weren’t already covered in tears, then I notice that he’s wrapped his forearm. It’s the only effort he’s made to clean himself up.

“What happened to your arm?”

He pulls it away from me, making me feel like I’ve asked the stupidest question in the world.

“Don’t.”

“Eren. I just wanna help you.”

He looks up at me with his one good eye for a solid minute. I have to wipe at my face to keep the tears off of his. I don’t want to see him like this. I wasn’t there for him. Someone hurt him and there was nothing I could do about it. There’s nothing I can do about it. His bandaged arm comes back up and he rests his fingertips on my cheek in the pathway of my tears. He chokes on another sob and tries to wipe my face but the tears won’t stop coming.

“I…” he hiccups. “Tried to fight back.” He offers me the end of the bandage so I can unwrap it. “They p-pulled a kn-knife on me.” His last word dissolves into a soft wail and I can feel my mouth setting into an eternal frown.

“Just your arm?” The wrapping’s halfway off. Please, God, don’t let him be stabbed anywhere.

He nods his head, free hand covering the good side of his face. I pull the wrapping until it gets stuck on drying blood and stop. I’m not going to hurt him anymore than what’s just happened. He gives an angry grunt and grabs where I’ve let go of the bandaging.

“Look!” He sets his teeth. He’s still crying, but he’s furious now. “I wanna show you why I’m so fucking scared all the time!”

He pulls the bandage away from the drying scabs and we wince simultaneously. He throws the bandage aside. I stifle a gasp. It hadn’t occurred to me. My mind hadn’t made the connection between what someone would do with a knife aside from targeting vitals.

“God, Eren.”

He looks away.

Carved into his arm are the letters F-A-G.

“We gotta get you to the nurse.” I try to speak with conviction.

“No.” Eren grabs for the bandage and starts wrapping his arm again.

“That’s dirty!” I take it from him. “Please. Just let me help you.”

He shakes his head.

“I don’t want their help. They’re not gonna help me anyway. They did this to me.” His voice is getting louder and louder. I don’t want to wake anyone.

“Eren, please. The nurse did not do this to you. You can’t lump everyone in this state in the same boat, easy as that is.”

“Don’t you get it?” He’s close to yelling now. “No one’s gonna help us! This is what they think of us.” He jabs a finger into the air above his injured forearm. “This is what they do to us!” He sits up and pulls away from me.

“Eren, your nose is broken.”

“I don’t give a fuck about my nose!” His voice breaks. “I just… can we just fucking live in this world without people trying to kill us for existing?”

He breaks down into tears again, but I don’t move to comfort him this time. There’s nothing I can do for him now. He’s angry at something I can’t fix. The only thing I can do for him is try and get him some fucking medical attention. I loop my arm around his back, under his so his good arm rests on my shoulders.

“Come on,” I say softly. “Does it hurt here?”

He looks at me, bewildered, teary, and still very much enraged. But he doesn’t wince, so I put my other arm under his legs at the backs of his knees. If he won’t go, I’ll take him there myself. I scoot back and put my feet on the floor, lift him off the bed. In my arms he just holds on, fisting his fingers in my shirt. I get him to the door before he says anything.

“Put me down.” Soft, but insistent.

“You’re going to the nurse.”

“You can’t carry me out there like this.”

I take a moment and set his feet down, holding onto his shoulders. His hand stays fisted in my shirt. He’s right. Who knows what would happen if someone caught me carrying him like that.

“My legs are fine.” He won’t look at me. His face is still puffy and red from crying.

“Your face is a mess.”

“Yeah, someone kinda fucking punched me. A lot.”

“No,” I wipe at his cheek, trying not to hurt him. “I mean from where you were crying.”

He doesn’t say anything. He just sniffs hard at his running nose and drags a hand over his face. He draws a shaky breath.

“Okay. Let’s go.”

I unlock the door. Once we’re in the hallway, we don’t say anything. He holds onto me with more dependency than he let on; clearly his legs are not fine. I wonder how he ever made it here on his own. It’s not far to the nurse for the boys’ dorms, but it seems like miles right now. This is the closest we’ve ever been in public, even though it’s the middle of the night and everyone’s asleep. It’s nerve wracking.

“How did it happen?” I whisper to him. How did they know? How could they have possibly known?

“We left campus. Me, Armin, and ‘Kasa. We went to that dance hall and some guys started picking on Armin because they thought he was staring or something. I tried to get them to stop and they started calling me gay, like ‘oh, what are you, his boyfriend?’” He uses a mocking tone, sneers, and continues. “So I just said ‘whatever’ or something like that and I got Armin away from them. Mikasa took him back--I should’ve… I should’ve fucking went with them. But I wanted to stay a little longer. I guess I really pissed them off or something because they jumped me when I left. I don’t even remember what I said.”

“Christ, Eren--”

“I don’t wanna hear it.” He interrupts me before I can say anything, chastise or pity him. “Not from you.”

“If I’d been there--”

“If you’d been there we could both be dead.” He says flatly. The life is gone out of him.

We don’t speak the rest of the way. The nurse is unsurprisingly still awake; he’s known for being quite a night owl. He looks incredibly surprised at Eren’s condition and helps him off my shoulders before we’re even all the way inside. The nurse eyes me for a moment. I have to remind myself to keep my distance.

“You do this?” He grunts, gesturing at Eren where he sits on the little infirmary bed.

“No, he--”

“Some guys jumped me.” Eren cuts me off again. The nurse, Mike, turns his attention back to Eren. Eren looks at me, long and hard. He’s telling me it’s my cue to leave. “Thanks, man.” He adds.

I can’t linger. I’m just his roommate. I don’t even like him. He was hurt and I helped him. That’s it.

“Yeah. Get better.” I don’t want to, but I leave. I can’t be there for Eren trying to explain why those letters are carved into his arm. I can’t stay.

It’s only after I leave that I realize why nurse Mike was staring at me. My eyes are still red when I get back to the dorm. I was crying too.

Eren isn’t in class the next day. I wasn’t expecting him to be, but it still gnaws at my subconscious to see the empty seat where he should be in the classes we share. I don’t know how he’s doing. I’ve got my phone, but we both decided a long time ago that communicating frequently would be too suspicious, and there was always the chance that someone would get ahold of one of our phones.

I can’t focus. Every time I try to think of something else, my mind goes back to that word written into his skin. They did it on a whim. They didn’t have any proof of anything and they still beat the shit of out him and carved slurs into his skin. Eren’s not the most docile person, especially with something he’s passionate about, but even so. The cuts were shallow, though jagged and unsightly, the damage to the arm was minimal. In a few weeks, they’ll be healed. And yet, it’s still the worst thing they could’ve possibly done to him. Bleeding or not, those cuts will hurt forever.

I’m just biding my time getting through the day. Inevitably, I’ll have to face him when I go back to the dorm. I doubt his injuries were so bad he’ll have to stay in the nurse’s office for long. He could be done by now, though I still wouldn’t expect him to come to class if he was. I wouldn’t. I don’t think I could. There’s still another half to the school day. Even that much after something like that would be unbearable.

Mikasa surprises me by finding me at lunch. I didn’t want to be bothered by Sasha and Connie after what happened last night, so I took my lunch to the library, but somehow Mikasa still found me there. I don’t notice her until she sets her tray down at my table.

“Oh. Hey.”

She sits without a word and watches me for a moment before saying anything.

“He told me you were the one who helped him to the nurse.”

“Oh.” I’m not sure if I should be asking that as a question. I’m not even sure why she’s here. She’s a polar opposite to Connie and Sasha’s personalities--calm and composed rather than wild and obtrusive--so she’s not really bothering me, but still.

“Thank you. I know you don’t really like him.” Wrong. She chews on her lip, not meeting my eyes. Hers are glistening. She’s tough, but the way she’s biting back tears, I know she’s blaming herself. “He said his kneecap was shattered. He couldn’t have done it by himself and I wasn’t…”

His knee? He hadn’t said anything about his knee yesterday, and he’d half-walked himself to the nurse. It’s a wonder he made it back to our dorm from God-knows-where in the first place.

“It wasn’t your fault,” I say, mindlessly. It’s what I should say, so I do. I should be trying to comfort her.

“I know.” She grits her teeth, all signs of any previous weakness gone. “But I should’ve made him come with us.”

“You couldn’t have known what was going to happen.” I’m still feeding her lines.

“I know, I know. But did they have to go that far? And his arm--” She stops herself as if suddenly realizing who she’s talking to. Me. Just the dude who rooms with her brother who happened to ask her to prom. I wonder absently where Armin is.

“I saw it,” I say, so she doesn’t think she’s about to say something she shouldn’t. She doesn’t know how much I understand Eren’s injuries. She has no idea.

“Why would they do that?” She asks quietly.

“Who knows,” I mumble, not meeting her gaze now. I have a feeling there’s more to the story that Eren’s not actually telling me. An act like that isn’t likely to happen completely unprovoked.

Mikasa surprises me by throwing her arms around my neck.

“Uh?” I shouldn’t be uncomfortable with this, since I’m supposed to be into her, but I am. She came out of nowhere with it. But she’s shaking like a leaf, so I can’t just ignore her and hope she lets go. I raise a hand to pat her back and hear her sniffle.

“I’m just so worried about him.” She’s got her nose buried in my shoulder,and her voice is fairly steady, so if she’s crying, it’s not very hard. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s strange for her to hug me in the first place.

“I know. He’ll be alright though.”

God, I hope so.

“Sorry.” She pulls away and wipes at her face. So she was crying. “I just wanted to thank you, Jean.”

“Anyone else would’ve done the same.”

She starts gathering up her tray to leave.

“Sorry I bothered you with this.”

“No, it’s fine. You can stay if you want. You’re not bothering me.”

“Thanks, Jean.”

She sets her tray down again and starts eating without a word. I think about saying something, because I’m still trying to keep up the illusion that I like her and want to date her and whatnot, but I don’t have anything to say. It’s not safe for me to say anything. Who knows what might slip out if I do. Aside from that, I guess we’re just naturally quiet people because I don’t feel uncomfortable with her. In another world, maybe I wouldn’t have my problems and I could just give up and like her. But I’m way too attached to Eren for that. At the very least, I’m thankful for her. She can worry for Eren every way I can’t. I can’t let anyone know.

Several minutes pass, and I finish most of my food before either of us say anything again. I guess she just really wanted someone to be close to for awhile, because she calms down and brightens up enough to start talking about prom plans, coordinating our outfits and whatnot. It’s just talk, really about nothing, but it makes me feel strangely better. Eren’s not off my mind for a second, but she still understands what I feel, even if I haven’t said anything, so just being with her out of mutual interest is calming in itself. For a moment I can almost pretend like nothing’s wrong.

Lunch ends and the rest of the day happens without event. I can’t say I’m looking forward to seeing Eren in the state he’s in, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to see him. I’m still pretty worried about him, especially since he’s probably alone in our room. But for as worried as I am, I still wander off into the library after classes end. I guess the idea was to do homework, but I don’t end up doing any of that either. In all honesty, a part of me is scared to face him.

After about an hour I stop putting it off and actually head to our dorm. I don’t know what I’m expecting, and I don’t know what I’m afraid of, but I still hesitate when I get to the door. The moment I put my hand on the handle, it turns under my fingers and I jump back, caught off guard.

“Okay, take it easy, Eren, don’t--”

Armin cuts off mid-sentence and gives a tiny ‘oof’ when he runs into me standing in the doorway like a dumbass.

“Oh.” He takes a moment to assess the situation. “Sorry, Jean. I was just checking in on Eren.”

“Yeah,” is all I say in return.

“Bye, Eren!” Armin scurries off. He’s never been particularly good at confrontation, and it doesn’t help that I’m kind of an asshole most of the time, so leaving quickly doesn’t surprise me. I would’ve expected Mikasa to be here, except that the girls aren’t allowed in the boys’ dorms and vice versa for any reason, even with her adopted brother in pretty bad shape. There’s even separate nurses for each dorm, which is a good thing, or I would’ve had to cross campus to get Eren to help yesterday.

I take a deep breath for good measure and enter the room. I shut and lock the door behind me. It’s not like I’m planning on doing anything, but I just feel better with it locked.

“Hey,” he says softly when I’ve set my stuff down. I take a moment to examine him. The bruises on his face are much, much worse in this lighting than they were yesterday, and I’m certain they’ve gotten darker. Where his nose was broken it’s taped up with white gauze over it. Little white butterfly bandages hold the splits of his cheekbone and lip shut. His eye is still swollen closed, the bruises over it a gradient from black all the way to an angry pink around the edges.

“You look like shit.” I sit down on the edge of his bed, facing him. He shrugs. “Why didn’t you tell me about your knee yesterday? ‘My legs are fine’ my ass.”

Eren looks away from me.

“Getting back was more important. It didn’t hurt that badly.”

“Your sister said it was shattered!”

“Mikasa?”

“No, your other sister,” I snort. He ignores me.

“Why were you talking to Mikasa?”

“She found me at lunch. I don’t know. She wanted to thank me for taking you to the nurse. Does it matter?”

“Yeah, kinda.”

I clench my jaw and examine Eren’s face again until I find a sufficiently bruise-free area and lean in to kiss it.

“I’m not gonna leave you for your fucking sister if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Eren grunts, mildly unconvinced.

“How are you?” I reach across him for his right hand, the one opposite the arm with the bandaging I’d rather not talk about. He lets me have it and I weave our fingers together.

“I feel like shit.” He sighs. “They took me off campus this morning to put my leg in a cast and do a bunch of x-rays. Shattered my kneecap and broke three ribs. Nurse Mike fixed my nose last night. That was fun.” I wince at the thought of a man that big snapping Eren’s nose back into place. “It’s safe to say I’m not going to prom. I can’t walk for the next few weeks, let alone dance.”

I stare at our hands wound together for a moment.

“Everything else is okay?”

“For the most part.”

I smile softly and kiss the bruiseless spot I’d found earlier again. I don’t know how much it would hurt if I hugged him, since his ribs are broken, or kissed him with his split lip, so I stick with what’s safe.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” I kiss him harder, squeeze his hand. “I’m glad you’re alive.”

His bandaged arm lays between us. Neither of us are going to bring it up, even though it’s pretty much the elephant in the room at this point, but it feels better to ignore it. I’m sure by now he’s realized that it hurts me too. Something like a smile touches his lips and he meets my eyes.

“Yeah. Me too.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once upon a time I used to be religious so yeah. looking at maybe one or two more chapters.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sasha is the unexpected hero.

I’m forgetting almost everything. I’m not really trying to remember. After the fourth class in a row where I’ve forgotten to turn in homework, I’m not surprised anymore. In my defense, there’s been other things on my mind. I’m not going to say that Eren has taken over my life, just because he’s hurt, because really, I can’t do anything for him outside of our dorm. He comes back to class after a few days, except in a wheelchair to spare his knee since he can’t use crutches with his broken ribs. When people ask what happened, he tells them he was out riding his bike when he lost control and went down a large hill. It’s pretty much bullshit, since Wyoming is as flat as my grandma’s ass.

I don’t know why I’m forgetting everything. Maybe I just don’t care anymore.

We’re so close. God knows how many weeks. I’ve stopped counting.

 

I’m not surprised when Mikasa approaches me at lunch with a red tie, telling me a time to come and get her on Saturday. Well, I am surprised, but only because I wasn’t expecting someone to hand me a tie. I’m not surprised to realize I’ve completely forgotten that prom is in a few days. She asks if I have a black suit, which I do, and she leaves, satisfied with my answer. All remnants of her earlier softness when she approached me about Eren are gone, and she’s back to her old self. Stony and cold, intricate and beautiful, like a marble statue. She’ll look good in her red dress, no doubt.

 

I have to ignore a lot more things now. In all the classes where we sit in alphabetical order, I have to ignore the empty seat beside me because Eren can’t wheel himself up to his desk so he just sits in the back of the class. I have to ignore the dead look on his face and pretend it doesn’t bother me. He gets to leave class five minutes early so he can get to his next class without dealing with a crowded hallway, and I have to ignore the sound of him maneuvering clumsily through the door on his own.

Every time I see the empty look in his eyes, I think back to him telling me he’d never be strong like me and something sick inside of me is saying that it’s true. He’s broken now. He was so full of fear before, and then he was halfway to the thing he feared most and now he’s broken. I can see it in his eyes. If someone were to call him a fag and try to take his life, he wouldn’t even put up a fight anymore. They cut the fight out of him when they carved their hate into his arm.

It makes me feel like a bug in a glass jar--trapped and small and insignificant. Everyone just seems to be looming over me, but for now I’m invisible. The only thing they can see right now is Eren, but he’s like a bug in his own jar, only someone pulled off his wings before they threw him in there. They’re only staring at him because they don’t realize I’m the same.

Of course, no one quite knows why he got hurt. Maybe everyone actually believes his story about falling down a hill. But they can see that something’s definitely wrong beyond that. I forget that people still think I hate him, and I have to hide how angry I am when they come up to me asking shit. Of course there’s some doubt that he really fell down a hill. I tell them I don’t know. It’s not my business what my fucking roommate gets himself into.

That’s my whole week. It’s shit. People pestering me about Eren. Me pretending not to know anything more than what he tells people. Forgetting everything. It gets to the point where I can’t take eating with anyone anymore, so I just take my food back to my dorm. I’m mad at everything. I’m mad at everyone asking about Eren. I’m mad at Sasha and Connie for being so oblivious to everything. I’m mad at myself for pretending like everything is okay just so I can keep living my lie. I’m mad at Eren for thinking he has to be the hero all the time and getting himself into a fight that could’ve killed him.

I end up feeling like shit about myself because for the first time since I got involved with Eren, I miss Marco. Until now, I’ve had Eren or at least Connie to talk to whenever something happened that I couldn’t handle on my own, but now I have no one. I can’t tell Connie because that outs me and Eren both, and I can’t talk to Eren because he’s dealing with ten times more shit than I am. I don’t have anyone who I can talk to that won’t judge me and isn’t already dealing with a world of pain. For the first time in a long time, I feel alone.

Sometimes I forget that I’m actually generally unhappy with the world and that Eren is the only thing that’s made it tolerable. Without him to lean on, I feel like I used to feel again. It’s not fair. None of it is fair. I don’t even care about myself anymore. It’s killing me to see Eren so broken. All I want is for him to be happy again, at least with me because I know it’s always been hard for him to be open in public.

I try to get over myself, for Eren. Once the school day is done, I put on my best Jean Kirschstein face and walk back to my dorm like nothing’s wrong. With his head start and lack of motivation to be anywhere else, Eren should already be there. At least misery loves company.

Of course, I’m too caught up in keeping my facade to notice Sasha coming up behind me as I walk across the courtyard, mostly empty since it’s Friday and everyone’s already bolted at the sight of temporary freedom. The fact that I don’t notice her really says something, considering Sasha’s about as inconspicuous and graceful as an elephant. She makes me jump when her hand lands on my shoulder. I catch the look on her face from that, surprised and confused, maybe concerned, but also amused.

“Gotcha!” She shouts, like it was all part of her plan. “Why the long face?” She laughs at herself and I only grit my teeth. Before, that might’ve gotten a rouse out of me, ever since Eren started calling me horseface a few years ago because, okay, my face is pretty ovular, but I still don’t see how it looks like a horse.

“Mm. ‘S just my face.” I’m hoping it’ll be enough for her, that she’ll just laugh at me playing along and go away.

She surprises me by stopping suddenly, eyebrows furrowed. My heart drops for a moment. As airheaded as she is, she’s actually really perceptive.

“What’s wrong?” Her concern is so genuine that for a second, I’m considering telling her and forgetting that she’s about as supportive as the rest of the school when it comes to this.

I only open my mouth a little, ball my fists up and then open them. There’s no way I could ever tell her. I feel like I’ve known Sasha for an eternity, and I can’t fathom not having her there, even if I’m lying to her about who I am. I settle for a sigh and shake my head.

Her little mouth hardens into a straight line and she huffs at me, then charges forward and throws her arms around me. I let my arms settle around her lightly, just barely hugging her back. It’s like holding glass. If I were honest and let it be, it’d crush her and she’d break in my arms. The thing about breaking glass, though, is that it often hurts you in the process.

“It’s… gonna be okay. Whatever it is. It’s not Mikasa, is it?” She peeps up at me and I let her go.

“No.” That’s all I’ll say about it.

“Okay. You know you can tell me, right?” She gives me a look I’ve gotten from her way too many times, because she knows I’m hiding something and for once I’m glad that she actually knows when she shouldn’t press me.

“Yeah, thanks. I’ll deal with it on my own though.” I think that’ll be enough to send her on her way, especially since we’ve started walking again and we’re getting pretty close to the boys’ dorms. “Sash, you can’t follow me to my room, you know that.”

“No one’s stopping me from going up to the building.”

I roll my eyes at her. She grabs the tail of my shirt and just trails along behind me for a moment, blissfully silent. We’re such old friends. It’s been like this forever; I don’t even skip a beat when she grabs my shirt because she does it all the time. She feels like she has to be close to me right now because she knows I’m in pain, but there’s nothing she can do about it. She cares for me a hell of a lot, and she always has. It’s enough to make me wonder.

“Hey, Sash?”

“Yeah?”

“Were you… close to your uncle?”

She gawks at me for a moment. “My uncle? The gay one?”

I nod.

“Not really. I’ve only seen him a few times because he lives way out in New York and he never comes to visit and it’s pretty expensive to go there.”

“Is that why it was so easy to just forget about him as your uncle when you found out he was gay?” I have to try to keep my face blank, though I won’t meet her eyes.

“I guess. I didn’t know him all that well to begin with, so yeah.”

“You think you would’ve had a harder time disowning him if you’d been really close to him?”

“Well yeah. That’d change things.” She shrugs.

“Would you still have done it?”

She gives me a hard look for a moment.

“Why are you asking me this?”

We’ve stopped at the door to the building. She can get in some pretty big trouble if she goes any farther, but we’re still talking, so we’re at a standstill. I ignore her question.

“What would you do if you found out someone you were close to was gay?”

She’s giving me a gaping look. She steps away from me a little bit, her fingers slowly slipping off the tail of my shirt. Her brows are still knit together and she’s chewing on her bottom lip, trying to make sense of what I’m asking her.

“What’s this about, Jean?” It’s kind of flat, like she’s not really asking me a question.

“Nothing.” I shake my head and pull the door open. This isn’t going well enough for me to stick around. I’ve got a foot in the door when she grabs my elbow.

“Hey.” Her face is determined, but honest. “I meant what I said. You can tell me anything. I want to help you.” Her eyes burn brightly.

I just continue to shake my head and set a hand on her shoulder.

“Thanks, Sash. But I don’t know if I want that kind of help.”

I feel bad about leaving her there in the door, speechless, but there’s not much else for me to do. In her own way, she gets it and she wants to help, but those methods aren’t going to do me any good. I’ve tried.

 

Eren’s not in the dorm when I get there. Figuring there aren’t too many places he could’ve gone, I head over to Armin’s room to see if he’s there, but I stop myself at the door because I don’t have a reason to be looking for Eren. I settle for pressing an ear to the door, but I only hear Armin and Connie’s voices, since they’re roommates. Connie’s singing, probably with his headphones in, because it sounds like Armin is mocking him while he can’t hear.

I’m not sure what to do. For some reason, I’ve got a bad feeling about where Eren is. It’s only six, but it’s already starting to get dark and Eren’s not exactly super mobile at the moment. On campus, he should be fine, but God only knows what he’s gotten himself into on his own.

In the end, I can’t help but go out to look for him. I call his phone, twice, which is more than I’ve ever called it since we try not to have too many physical logs of contact, but he doesn’t answer either time, so I just keep walking. I stick to as many of the easily accessible, public places as I can, hoping he’s somewhere reasonable, but he’s not in the dining hall or the library, or even the courtyard. I’m not even sure where I am that I stumble across the worst conversation I could’ve possibly heard. I’m somewhere behind some buildings, silently hoping Eren hasn’t wheeled himself into a ditch. When I make sense of what I’m hearing, I’m hoping Eren is absolutely nowhere nearby.

“Did you see his face though? I bet we fixed him.”

“Hell yeah I did. Only took breaking a few things first.”

I don’t recognize the voices. I don’t want to speculate on what they’re talking about. I just want to keep walking, past whatever this is.

“Maybe it’ll be a good lesson to the other one. The blonde one. He goes here too, I think. Why the fuck did St. Maria let so many fags in?”

I can’t keep going though. I guess they don’t know I’m here, since it’s dark now and they probably can’t see me. I can’t move through all the cold dread pooling in my limbs, making me stay where I am, apparently unseen, while this conversation continues. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want it to be what I think it is.  

“St. Maria is shit. At least we taught that Jaeger one a lesson. Won’t see his gay ass around here too much. He’ll be wheeling himself around ‘til he graduates.”

I can’t even judge how many of them there are. They sound stupid, talking with undeserved pride and cheesy dialogue, like they’re reminiscing on some undeserved victory. I don’t know what the right choice is here, but I’m sure I don’t make it. They’ve said the magic words and now all my dread is fury.

“You’re the motherfuckers--” I step into their light, where they’re hanging out under a streetlamp “--that did that to Eren?”

Let it be said that I have something of a temper. I thought, after Marco died, that anger was useless, that all it ever did was make bad situations worse so you should just let it go. Thinking that was right, but this is different from fighting with Eren because I’m annoyed with him. This is cold, merciless fury, and I can’t just step away and let myself cool down. I’m already cold. My fingers feel icy and numb. Solid. I can’t imagine ever being calm again--I just want to punch something.

So I do.

The cold feeling coils up in one of my arm and I get only the slightest bit of satisfaction from letting my fist fly, feeling it connect and feeling the impact up to my elbow. I don’t make the right choice, not in the slightest. I’m too furious to even see straight. Everything is red and there’s four, maybe even five of them but all I can see is them holding Eren down while they press a knife to his skin.

They’re shouting at me. I’ve caused a commotion, as I expected. The one I hit was sent flying, but he gets up clutching his cheek and spitting blood. They skip asking what the fuck I think I’m doing. Somebody calls me a fag-lover or something like that, but it doesn’t matter.

The second I’ve got my arm back into a position where I can hit again, I do. Maybe it’s the same one, or maybe it’s a different one, but I hit again and again, mechanically, mindlessly. They’re shouting and swarming and I’m making no effort to defend myself anymore than hitting anything I see. I guess it works because it takes a few second before I feel anything hit me back, a heavy slug straight to the ribs, but I only wonder if that’s what Eren felt when his ribs broke and I hit whatever hit me right back. It works like that for a while too. I feel hits all over and all I do is strike back.

One of them aims a kick for my groin but I step sideways to hit something and the kick only connects with my thigh. It takes two repeated blows to the side of my head that make my vision fuzzy to stop me, even for a second. My feet go out from under me, and the ground meets my knees with a shock I feel to my hips. Someone plants a kick in my stomach and I double over. Then I’m on my side, my stomach, somehow, with my arm pinned behind me in a chicken wing. I’ve lost now, that apparent.

I steel myself for more kicks, but they don’t come. There’s a weight on my back from whoever’s holding my arm, pulling it tighter and driving my elbow toward my spine. They’re saying things, but I don’t hear any of it. There’s the registry of pain, in my arm and my hands and my face, then someone pulling at my hair. They pull back, lifting my head, then bring it down and it hits the pavement once, twice. I can’t count after that because every time it hits I see black spots fill my vision until it’s all I see and I can’t think anymore. The last thing I can think of is an apology to Eren.

 

Waking up is like breaking the surface after almost drowning. For a moment, I’m not sure I’m still alive, but there’s enough pain to assure me otherwise. My chest hurts, like when I was a kid and I used to get asthma attacks. Like something’s still sitting on my chest. I screw up my face and empty my lungs in a hiss trying to open my eyes and look. My eyes won’t focus, but I confirm that there’s nothing on my chest. My head falls back as my straining neck muscles give in, hitting something soft. I’m on my back now, not my stomach. I don’t have the strength to ask where I am, or for water to soothe my burning throat. I guess I was screaming while I was fighting. All I can manage is a bleary, pathetic whine that bubbles in the back of my throat.

“Are you up, then?”

I try to move again, in response. I don’t know where I am, but chances are, it’s not safe so I have to get out of here. My legs move, but nothing else will. The second I move my head again, I’m greeted with a sharp pain that echoes in my skull.

“Woah.” A pair of warm hands on my shoulders press me back into the softness underneath me. “You shouldn’t move. Can you open your eyes?”

Can I?

I opened them earlier, but not for long. I force them open, but they won’t quite stay. The light comes in and out as they flutter uselessly. I’ll never get back like this.

“That’s good.”

I wonder how my eyes refusing to stay open is good in any way.

“Can you tell me how many fingers I’m holding up?”

“M’ eyesr fuggin closed,” I slur. When did it get so hard to speak?

There’s a sigh and the clicking of someone’s tongue. I know I’ve heard this voice before, but I can’t quite place it. I can’t put anything together. Where am I and how did I get here? Why do I hurt so much?

“They’re not closed. I was afraid of this. Tell me if you can see this light.”

Something bright but undefined passes across my vision on my right side and I instinctively reach a hand in front of my face to shield my eyes. Everything is too fuzzy for anything to make sense anymore. Part of me just wants to go to sleep, but I hurt too much. The remaining part of me knows I need to get the hell out of here, but I can’t remember why. The light crosses my vision a few times, and each time I try to flinch away from it. I don’t know why, but it’s giving me a splitting headache.

“Gotta get outta here…” I try to get up again. I don’t care where I am. I have somewhere to be. I think.

“Probably not a good idea.”

There’s a hand on my shoulder again, not forceful, but still clearly not about to let me get up. I blink hard and fast, trying to make sense of what’s going on. I can see fuzzy outlines, but it’s frustrating because I can’t tell what they are. I try to rub my eyes in an attempt to remedy the fuzziness. One of my hands brushes my left temple and suddenly it’s a lot clearer where the pain is coming from. I let out a hiss and the hand that was on my shoulder guides my hands away from my face. When I open my eyes again after shutting them against the pain, I start to make sense of some of the features before me.

“Stay here for awhile. Whatever happened to you gave you some serious damage to the left side of your face. It’s probably a concussion, but it looks like it’s caused a partial blindness in your left eye.” I see the man sigh, finally looking like a person instead of a blob. I know this face. Nurse Mike. “You really should be emitted, but I have a feeling there’s more to this story. You brought in that kid a few days ago. Eren.”

It clicks where I feel like I need to be. I was looking for Eren before…?

Oh. Right.

“Do you remember what happened?”

I hate the cool expression on his face. He’d never been much one for being particularly animated, but right now this just feels like he’s mocking me, undermining the situation. I suppose it’s supposed to make me feel calm, but it’s only pissing me off. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I’m worried about not being able to see out of my left eye, but maybe it hasn’t hit me fully, or maybe I just don’t give a fuck. I meet his eye. There’s no reason to tell him more that he needs to know. There’s no reason to trust him.

“Got in a fight.”

“Over what?”

I shrug.

“Alright. Then with who?”

It’s easier to shrug again, so I do.

Mike gives a discontent grunt and settles back into a chair. It takes me a second to realize I’m not in the infirmary. This isn’t a cot, but a couch. Mike must see my confusion because he addresses it directly.

“This is my apartment. I found you unconscious on my way home.”

I take a moment to stare at him. The entire left side of my head hurts. I’m sure it has to do with getting hit over and over again, having it slammed into the ground, but I could care less. There’s a dull tingling, the sensation of panic in the back of my mind at the thought of not being able to see, but I have more important things on my mind, so I push it aside.

“I have to get back.”

Mike nods knowingly, sits calmly with his hands folded in his lap. I’m glad he’s not asking me all sorts of questions. I’m glad he’s the one who found me. Had it been anyone else, my life would be a hell of questions.

“You can go in the morning. I just need to watch you for a few hours just in case it really is a concussion. Can’t have you slipping into a coma, especially if you won’t explain yourself.” He pushed himself up to his feet. “Stay here.” Even as he was walking away, he kept talking to me, simple sentences over his shoulder. “You like tea?”

I don’t give him the dignity of a response. I don’t know how Eren felt, being in Mike’s care, or even what all Eren told him, but I still don’t see a reason to trust him. He comes back a few minutes later with two mugs and sets one on the table in front of me.

He doesn’t say anything else. I don’t say anything, so he doesn’t try to ask me anything. Awhile later, he sets a few painkillers on the table next to my half-empty tea. After I take them, I feel well enough to sleep, so I let my eyes drift closed.

There aren’t any dreams. I know I fall asleep, but its indescribably empty.

Mike wakes me up to check my vision again. He tells me it’s best if he wakes me up periodically to make sure I’m alright. It occurs to me that my head isn’t entirely clear yet because he changes the bandages I didn’t realize he’d put on my head. Or maybe I did realize it and I just forgot. Sleeping helped my left eye clear up enough to see blurs, but it won’t focus. Mike doesn’t say anything when I ask about it, so I take that to mean that it could be permanent.

I don’t feel the need to say anything more after that. He lets me drift in and out of sleep until I ask him if I can finally leave. It’s ten or eleven, judging by the light outside, not quite noon yet. He sends me off with more painkillers and tells me to check back in later and gives me a long list of symptoms to watch out for, which I quickly forget. Surprisingly, Mike lets me walk back by myself. His apartment isn’t far from campus, so it’s not a far walk, but I can still only see well out of one eye. My sides hurt a bit, but most of the pain is in the left side of my face. I thank God my legs are fine.

 

For once, somehow, I’ve forgotten about Eren. I’m feeling a certain numbness as I unlock the door. It’s noon or so by now, but the lights are still off. I don’t say anything, just set my keys down on my desk, still standing in the entryway. Something echoes in my mind, wondering if Eren is even here, but even with the lights off and the blinds shut, I can see his silhouette on his bed.

“Where the fuck have you been?”

Anger. There’s no doubt. As down as he’s been, it’s weird to hear anger in his tone.

“I called you three times and it went straight to voicemail. Where the fuck were you.”

It’s not even a question, just a demand. Something stirs in my chest, but I don’t bother answering him. I’m tired. I flick on the lights as I pass the switch because I don’t like the atmosphere in here, dark and tense. I haven’t seen my face yet. I guess it’s worse than I thought because Eren’s eyes get wider and his mouth hangs open like I’ve just offended him.

“What happened to you?” There’s a genuine questioning tone in his voice this time, and I feel like I’ve inspired more life in him than I’ve seen since he got his ass kicked by the same shitheads who messed up my face. When I don’t answer him again, he gets angry at me. “Jean. What did you do? Where were you? What happened to your face?”

“What are you talking about?” I force my cheesiest smile. “I always look like this.”

“Jean.”

I shake my head at him, still holding a smile. He grunts at me and I see him push himself up to his feet, the toes of one foot just barely touching the ground as he tries to work around the cast on his leg.

“Hey. Don’t do anything stupid!” I rush over to him to stop him from getting up and hurting himself. His wheelchair is just to the side of the bed, completely ignored.

“Me? Do something stupid? Look at your fucking face and tell me you didn’t go off and do something stupid!”

Sometimes I forget how well he knows me because all I can do is stand there balling up my fists and feeling like an idiot, because, yeah, I did do something stupid.

“They were bragging about it,” I hiss through my teeth. I can’t look at him now. I should be ashamed, but I’m still just angry, angry at everything. “They fucking go here. You knew that, didn’t you?”

“That doesn’t mean you start shit with them! Look what happened to you!”

Each one of us keeps getting louder. I don’t want this to turn into a shouting contest, but that’s where it’s heading.

“I wouldn’t have even been out there if you hadn’t fucking disappeared! I couldn’t find you anywhere and all of a sudden I found a bunch of assholes bragging about beating the shit out of you. And I’m supposed to just stand by and let that happen?”

“Well, you’re not supposed to go picking fucking fights! You were gone the whole night! Do you know how worried I was for you?”

I can feel the urge to yell at him still coiled in my muscles, but I do my best to hold it back. Being angry at him has made my head spin so I collapse back onto my bed and let my head fall into my hands. It turns out to be a shitty idea because my face still really hurts. I let all of my anger bubble up into one place, shake, and let it out in a frustrated sigh. There’s the familiar feeling of helplessness pricking at my tear ducts and I let it well up and spill over.

“Do you know how worried _I_ was?” I try to say it softly, but it’s more of a hiss than anything. There’s the heat of tears slowly making its way down my cheeks. I’m not done with my rage though. This time it bursts out so loud that my voice cracks. “I can’t take this anymore! We’re literally not safe here. Look at us!”

“Shut up!” Eren roars. He’s about to try to get up again, so instinctively I move to try to stop him, but he doesn’t go any further. “You think I don’t know that?”

We come to a standstill staring each other down. Eren’s still mad, but he’s calmer when he breaks the silence. It’s almost cold.

“Don’t you have to be getting ready or something? You have to go take my sister to prom.”

I keep staring at him, somewhat lamenting the idea of never getting to see him properly again with both eyes. I forgot about it again. It’s not for several hours, so I don’t need to be getting ready, but he’s telling me the conversation is over. I can’t be angry at him like this anymore though. We only have so long left. The way things are going, there’s bound to be some nasty, impending rumors, but what more could happen to us that hasn’t already happened? We’ve spent every moment together terrified of the world outside of ourselves, and now we’ve both had the shit beat out of us, and nobody even knew for sure. I’ve been prepared for their hateful glances since I was born. There’s nowhere to run until we’re really free from here.

One week. That’s all that stands between now and graduation. If we survive that, we’ll be free.

“Tell her I’m sorry. I’m not going. I have more important things here.”

 

I’ll spare you the details of the remaining week of school. I won’t lie to you about what happened, but it’s just better not to think about.

Eren came clean to Mikasa and told her the reason why he got beat up, why I didn’t go to prom with her. I think she was angry, maybe sad too, and Eren was scared she’d feel the same way his father felt, but in the end, she loved him more than she hated the idea of us together. I could tell she was still upset, though.

I took to avoiding Sasha and Connie as much as possible. If Sasha was suspicious, if she’d heard the rumors, she only ever asked me if I was okay. She kept insisting she wanted to help, but there wasn’t anything she could do that would convince me it was the kind of help I needed.

In the end, I folded in on myself, trying to become a model student in the time remaining, turning deaf ears to all of the rumors flying, blind eyes to the way people were suddenly treating me and Eren both. It was maddening, but there was nothing we could do about it. All we could do was wait to be free. The rumors seemed to have circulated everywhere, to all teachers and parents, everyone who would listen. The worst of it was having to take it.

My mother called me, crying, asking me about the awful things she’d heard about me and I hadn’t answered her. My dad took the phone from her to yell at me, call me a disgrace. I could’ve been more upset, but in the end, I knew he wasn’t actually mad at me, just disappointed. Eren had to leave his phone off to avoid his father.

The whole state seemed to know.

When we walked the stage for our diplomas, me right after him, no one clapped for us.

It didn’t matter. None of it mattered. With that stupid piece of paper in hand, we were free. We didn’t even have a plan, but it didn’t matter. We had our key to freedom and we were getting the hell out of the entire state.

The last person I talked to before we left was Sasha, and it turned out to be a stroke of good luck.

“Jean, wait!”

Her voice seemed to shatter earth and sky. Eren and I were already breaking from the crowd, keeping our distance from one another. We didn’t have a plan. Not even a little bit, but our stuff was crammed into as few bags as we could fit it into back at the dorm. We had our ticket to freedom, and we were going to walk there if we had to. We’d been ignoring everyone. Eren’s dad hadn’t bothered showing up to the graduation, but my parents were somewhere in the crowd. I’d turned my phone off to ignore the incessant stream of calls. I couldn’t say goodbye to them. I just had to leave. I’m not sure why I stopped for Sasha, but I’m glad I did.

“Please.” She’d caught up to me as quickly as she could and grabbed my hand, tears in her eyes, still beautiful as ever in her graduation robe. In that moment, I pictured her going on and doing anything she put her mind to because there was nothing that would ever stand in the way, that’s just the kind of person she was. It almost made me pull my hand away and keep going.

“Sash, I’ve gotta go.” I held her gaze like she held my hand, telling her I was leaving without moving anywhere.

“Let me help you. I wanna help you. I’m not trying to get you to see somebody or anything, I just want to make sure you’re alright, please.” Her grip on my hand only tightened, and her other hand disappeared in her robes, fished something out of her pocket, and pressed something cold and metallic into the hand she had captive. “Take it. Don’t worry about the insurance or anything. My brother gave it to me when he got a new one, just take it and get out of here.”

She let me have my hand back only to see what she’d put in it. Keys. She was giving me her truck. I couldn’t come up with any words to thank her, or refuse it. My throat was closing in on itself. She pointed toward an area of the parking lot and set her jaw, her eyes still watering.

“It’s in that lot over there. The tank’s full. You should get pretty far before you have to fill it again. Hurry up and get out of here!” She gave me a light shove toward where Eren was waiting by a tree, trying to stay out of sight of everyone reuniting with their parents for the first time since move-in, though with his crutches, he wasn’t particularly inconspicuous. I turned to him, nodding to Sasha, and started to walk toward him. Sasha was the only reason I looked back.

“And Jean,” she chided, crying now. “Don’t forget to call me when you get there.”

I turned back and swept her into a hug. The words had all dried up, but I could still try to get my point across. She hugged me back so hard it hurt.

“Sasha.” I had to try to hard to get my voice to keep from cracking. “Thank you.”

She kissed my cheek and sent me on my way.

Eren and I never looked back after that. We had our own place to be, after all, and now Sasha had given us a way to get there.

  
Years later, when my mother had accepted me and my father begrudgingly followed suit, when Eren and I had finished starving through college and working all the hours we could get to pay off loans, when we had our degrees in hand, we were sure to make Sasha the maid of honor at our wedding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a bit of a struggle to finish, but it's finally done.


End file.
